Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
