I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
