I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
