Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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