i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
