So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
