Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
