my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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