So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
