we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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