I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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