Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
