I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
