listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
