i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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