captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
