you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
