He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm bleeding and have questions
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
