Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
