I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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