The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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