I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
