Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We talked him into tasing himself.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
