During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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