3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
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