upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
