The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
