If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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