What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
