I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
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Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
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I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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