I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
