so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
