Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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