Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
