I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
