Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
