just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm like, not good at living.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
