I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
