After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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