life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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