worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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