I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize