He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
