someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
