Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
