I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
