you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
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Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We're too hungover to prance.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize