I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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