I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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