Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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