When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
