You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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