We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
