you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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