Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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