well I can't set my house on fire every night
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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