I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
So vagazzling was a success
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
