Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
