Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
